This isn’t how I thought it would turn out

It’s the middle of an August that was a distant future when we first started blogging about creating a new life and decided on France. I think we thought this year, past the point of putting our house up for sale, past the point of exploring in person our new kith for the first time, would be a domino fall of forward motion. Last year felt like limbo. The waiting for the house to be in a position for sale was agonisingly slow. We were impatient for our research trip. By now we were supposed to be in a calm period of things sorting themselves out. Of packing! A summer spent enjoying the Cotswolds for the last time. A summer of spare time and money.

But it still feels like limbo. There are still events beyond our control guiding our fate. We are waiting for other people to make decisions that will progress or ruin our plans to make the move this  year, in the way we want to. The weeks feel they are whizzing past at the same time as there being a mental void between our return from France in April and now, as if nothing has happened because that time didn’t exist. But we’ve not been coasting. We’ve been busy. Things have been happening: work, travel, baby scans, birthdays, anniversaries, car crashes, heart attacks. It’s just that the things we really wanted to measure these months by haven’t happened. All of our energy if not time has been taken up by the constant chasing of other people.

And so our focus has been fuzzy. Unable to plan ahead or transport our imagination into the future we want, we can not be excited, not really. And so doing ANYTHING unexcitedly feels like tremendous hard work. We are just going through the motions. Even of expecting a third baby. Waiting for the release and relief that will come, and the gates holding back the tidal wave of excitement we are holding back to fling open. Waiting for certainty. Waiting for the first domino to fall.

Because it is all still an IF. Even though I can correct Ben and say that some things are WHEN. It is when not if we move to France, because that is our choice, and we will find a way. It is when and not if that we quit the life we live now, our jobs, this location, our routines, because that is our choice, and we will find a way. It is when and not if we acheive the lifestyle we all need and crave and want to provide for our kids because that is our choice and we will find a way. It is only money. We need only creativity to find a way. It is only a matter of time. We need only patience if we are determind it will happen in time.

I don’t care to speculate IF these buyers will come through with an offer, or what that offer might be, or what we might end up accepting, or whether we get the mortgage, or what the exchange rate might be when we convert the money over for completion. My mind has less room for these questions. Worst case scenario number crunching is useful and puts our minds at ease. All I need to care about is the bottom line. We know what we can accept, and we know the lowest exchange rate at that offer we can manage. We know the timeline we need to meet. There’s no use worrying until these worst cases come to pass. And even then it’s not time to worry, it’s time to adapt and find the way, a new way, it’s just about thinking harder, working harder. For now it’s time to think positively, to hope, to wait, to keep breathing and getting up and going through the motions. We are just not there yet, but one day, we will look back and this time will feel fleeting and insignificant.

~J

 

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