Brain dump

I broke one of our windows weeks ago and it really hurt my confidence. Then I did it again at the beginning of March and both mistakes, moments of carelessness, have set me on a downward spiral I’ve still not managed to pull out of. And yet also in the last few weeks I’ve managed to fit the entire dining room ceiling, which has made a huge impact on the room and is one of my stand-out contributions to the house. But I’m plagued with fear. And with frustration – this much was obvious from the ranty post I’d put together about the EU Referendum. I feel fearful, worried about whether we’ll be looking at a catastrophic currency exchange rate and I feel weary of the DIY even with our achievements. I’m obsessing over details and worrying about whether we’ve fooled ourselves on what our house is worth. Even though part of what makes our No1 option such a dream is the fact that it allows a real margin for error. Even if we are mistaken, if the Pound plummets, the dream isn’t going to be out of reach. But can we get the house finished as we need it to be in time? For all the impact we’ve made I can’t switch off the eye that weighs up jobs left to do or finish off… in the aftermath of the two windows I’ve even felt the urge to self-sabotage wafting in. To smash more windows, tear down the ceiling panels, punch through delicate plaster. I’m hurting myself obsessing about the things I can’t control, second guessing whether or not our house will be attractive while at the same time I can walk back through Lechlade on a cool quiet evening and know that we’re in a strong position because there are so few places like this. Me and Jen have argued, clashed over my negativismo attitude because it’s cropping up not just in the housework but through our conversations about alternative houses, business options, ideas that are hardly bubbles ready to be burst and yet I’m curling up like a poked spider just willing it all to be over. I so want to be done with this thing we’re doing, but of course even wishing it to be over is self-defeating as we’re set on heading straight into another challenging situation. I don’t want to be repeating myself, repeating a litany of build-me-ups to try and get through. I want to be able to look forward and not feel that creeping sensation of dread, that pressure in the face of possible failure. I really believed in what I felt earlier in the year, that what we’re doing is going to work and that what we’re doing now is going to pay off, yet every day I’m wavering off into worrying. I’ve hardly done myself any favours by being careless of course, or by checking the rate every day, reading about the markets – what am I thinking this will achieve? It doesn’t matter what the EU sentiment is today, or what the Pound to Euro rate is in April, it only matters what actually happens, what actually has an effect on our plans and when it does we’ll have to deal with it, whatever it is. I’ve been trying to get back into blogging about our project but with so little time at work to spend in my own head and so much for us to do at home, not to mention two tinies who need and deserve my time and attention, taking the time to write (rather than spend an hour escaping into a game or movie or just into sleep) has felt like a needlessly demanding task. A pointless use of my already depleted energy. But these posts are as much as reason that the dream has progressed and surged ahead as anything else. The focus we’ve been able to gather and the momentum it’s given us has been so vital, and even better it’s been fundamental in binding me and Jen together in the pursuit of the dream, keeping us in step and thinking as a team even when we’re so much apart, and I’ve certainly noticed that without our regular posting we have lost the joint connection with the dream that’s benefited us so much to this point. “That’s long,” Jen’s just said, and of course this needed to be, I needed a clearing out and a dumping of everything that’s been troubling me, all in one place so we could start focusing on some of the crazy developments we’re missing on here – the new house options, the business planning, the interior ideas, the fact we’re less than 30 days from our viewing trip. The fact that in 30 days we step foot into a place we’ve never even been before and yet already feel as though we’ve made our home there. If there’s anything I really want it’s for us to go to the Ariege in April having leapt through a barrier in the house and cleanly into a new chapter in this amazing, crazy, demanding, challenging thing we’re doing – and remembering to find the time to record it all the way.

|B

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