The solution to everything is always to keep talking

I’ve decided I’ve had enough of thinking through worst-case scenarios, the ways we can manage unfortunate situations and how much ‘give’ we can create in our lives and expectations in order to actually do this damn thing and make living in France a reality. It’s an urge I’ve had to go with because repressing it only creates a rot at the heart of the dream, because the heart of the dream is the belief we both hold in it being possible, in it being more than just a fantasy. But it’s come to dominate our conversations. Every moment I’ve felt that things look good I’ve needed to turn things around and say “And even if it all failed, we’d still…” in order to bolster my faith in our decision. It’s been necessary, up to a point. But that point is now and I’m sickening myself with the need to keep reaching for the negatives in order to prove to myself that we could survive them. And it needs to stop because our progression through this early stage of making the dream happen has been reliant on conversation, on me and Jen continuing to talk through and through, going hoarse whispering at night into the early hours to pursue and examine every thought and every concern. Every time this talking got us somewhere the nagging need I had to shore up the bad possibilities behind us, in effect to show that we really had thought things through and weren’t just being naïve or ridiculous, this need would hold us back at a stage we’d already moved through. At the moment I’m stuck on the wetroom thing for the roulottes because I can’t picture it, I don’t have the solution. But why should that concern me enough to keep talking talking about the problem, instead of accepting that we’ve already landed on solutions for so many other issues that this won’t be any different. We will find the answer. We will make it work. Largely because we won’t stop talking about it, just as when we’d thought about the communal services, a big central kitchen/shower building it sounded like a good idea but we slowly and surely deconstructed it, driven by that itch that said it wasn’t actually the right idea at all. But I don’t have that same itch with the wetrooms, it’s just a worry. It’s not even a fear. I just haven’t built it in my mind yet, and so I’m worried about whether it can actually be done. BUT OF COURSE IT CAN! Anything can be done, in effect, and while pursuing those things that don’t feel right, talking and talking about the wrongness in our plans has always brought us to a better plan, just going over and over a worry without making any progress is just sucking out the energy we’ve invested in the dream itself. It will be hard to make this work and I can’t make it harder by letting cold feet and confidence flutters waste our time. I know when I can engage with something, like the wetroom and the outdoor kitchen and the roulottes themselves, and when I can’t engage with it like the communal area. When I can talk endlessly about what the wetroom might look like but before I couldn’t bear to think or talk any more about the communal area. I didn’t want to plan it out because it wasn’t working. So we had to find a better way. We had to talk through why we felt differently, why it felt wrong, why we couldn’t make it work. We had to recognise the restrictions we were placing on ourselves and on the business. That isn’t the same issue with the wetrooms, or with anything we’re now thinking. It all feels right. And it’s all possible. We just have to keep talking about how to make it work, and I have to shut up about how we’ll manage if it doesn’t.

|B

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