I feel like I’m grieving

First I thought that it was sad that I wasn’t sad about leaving the house. Now I feel incredibly sad about letting it all go. Only it’s not letting it go. But it feels that everything we’re surrounded by now is holding us back, keeping us in a place that we no longer want to be. And we do deserve the new dream we want, the future we want. We’ve worked so hard for three years to get here, and even before that so that we could have been in the position we were to begin getting here. Not just physical work, but emotional work, thinking work, planning work, dreaming work. Keeping a dream going, any dream whether it’s an idea for a future or an idea for a ‘thing’, is a commitment that takes tremendous effort to keep up. How many times have I had what felt like THE idea only to discard it a day later when the spark had died. So we haven’t just been working to renovate this place or to improve its value – it was never really about value apart from the value it possessed for us and our family – we’ve been working to keep a dream alive in the face of doubt, criticism and suspicion. And keeping a dream alive takes more than just believing what we’re doing is good. Anyone can be deluded. But to be self-conscious every step of the way, to adapt ourselves and our dream to the circumstances, to recognise and accept the chinks in our own armour and the obstacles that we face and to overcome them WITHOUT discarding what really matters (not what matters to everyone else) and keep climbing toward that goal we know will be worth it after all the pain even while every step seems to go against everything I’ve ever been told or warned about and then to reach a milestone, a solid foothold, a real, serious, mother-of-pearl fucking SUPERPLATFORM only to be greeted with an everyday reaction from people I wish could GUSH with excitement… That is why we’re emotionally exhausted. That is why we deserve everything we’re going to get from this house. That is why what I need from what we do next to be ever-so-slightly more conventional. And quite likely that’s the reason I feel like I’m grieving. Not for the house. Not for the dream. But maybe just a little for my willingness to do something crazy.



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